Enough talk! It's time to invade Russia!

January 6, 2018

Donald Trump has been President for almost one year. And by now we all know the real reason why this happened:

 

Not because Hillary Clinton was a horrible candidate. Not because Trump represented a pushback to the neoliberal / neoconservative empire.

 

It was because those goddamn back-stabbing communists in Russia hacked our election!

 

(Please ignore California and Wisconsin's claims to the contrary!)

 

Yes, hoping to instill uncertainty in American Democracy, the Russians somehow (with hacking or Facebook ads or something) robbed Hillary Clinton of her position as rightful heir to the presidency!

 

Haven't heard about this? It's true! Like 17 intelligence agencies or something say so. And they've never lied to us, nor do they have any reason to do so.

 

(Hey, please also ignore our previous interviews with former head of the CIA's Soviet foreign policy branch, Ray McGovern, saying the exact opposite... Sorry.)

 

But the joke was on the Ruskies all along! Even though Trump's presidency came about illegitimately, and even though his son's meeting with the Russians was treasonous -- just ask Steve Bannon -- he still is no pushover.

 

At the end of the day, Donald Trump is still (thankfully) a hawk.

 

Sure, he was wrongly critical of our interventions in Iraq and Libya. But since taking office, Trump has shown that he is pretty much willing to go along with continuing hostilities in the Middle East and Korea.

 

Well, it's time for President Trump to redeem himself once and for all. If he's tired of investigations and the widespread success of the #McResist movement, then do the right thing:

 

Invade Russia!

 

Vladimir Putin and his comrades think they can keep us out of Ukraine? That they can stop NATO from pushing eastward? That they can keep Edward Snowden from facing a firing squad? That they can delay the petrodollar's complete hegemony in Syria and Iran?

 

Fuck that, and fuck you, you commie bastards!

 

We need war with Russia. Now. Today!

 

Do the right thing, President Trump. Stand up to Russia in the only way that makes any real sense: Send all our troops stationed in Poland to take Moscow and St. Petersburg! Then give Sarah Palin a small army to push through Siberia! Take no prisoners until America is free!

 

Let's do this war right. Not cold. Hot!

 

Let's make a statement. The US is tired of being pushed around. 

 

Sure, Saudi Arabia can donate millions to the Clinton Foundation. And sure, Ukraine can help Hillary too. And, yes, we can dictate the results of Russian elections.

 

But if we ever even imagine that you played any role whatsoever in putting ads on Facebook, we're putting a McDonald's in the center of Red Square, you Marxist jackasses!

 

The time for talk is over.

 

Our leaders control our destiny and they control yours too!

 

It's regime change time, baby...

 

USA!

USA!

USA!

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