National Security Endangered by Nothingburger

February 4, 2018

 

Dude, this was like the craziest f'in week ever.

 

The Republicans like finally totally jumped the shark. And they endangered the country. Like, literally, we could be invaded at any second. 

 

Or, dude, maybe we have been invaded already! Like the election was just the first act of Red Dawn. The Russians are in the White House right now and they are planning to disband our media intelligence agencies.

 

That's not right! That's not who we are! This is America and I don't want scheming Russian criminals coming here and trying to make us racist alcoholics like they all are. This is a tolerant country we will level Moscow before those stinking, thieving, dirty communists ever change that!

 

But, dude, listen to what happened.

 

Okay, so like, we all know that 17 intelligence agencies said Russia completely hacked our election. Mostly they did this by reporting how the DNC plotted against Bernie Sanders.

 

(Even though Bernie is totally awesome, telling the American people how the nomination got stolen from him is complete bullshit! I don't want to hear that. You don't want to hear that. It should be illegal to hear that! And we should fucking drone Julian Assange for reporting it!)

 

Anyway, it's not just about that. The Russians also tried to buy off votes by putting ads for puppies on Facebook and some other stuff. I think maybe they tried to hack into voting machines too or something -- I forget, man. The story has changed so much. 

 

Oh, yeah, and then they had Jill Stein run again. Which is bullshit too! Only two parties can run in this country. Having more than two candidates will destroy our democracy. I mean, Nader was a spoiler in 2000 and 2004. And Jill Stein was a spoiler in 2016. Every time the Democrats lose it's because of a spoiler! (And, no, you can't apply that same logic to Ross Perot and Bill Clinton).

 

So, yeah, the Russians like met with Donald Trump Jr. and some other stuff. It's crazy.

 

And then, like, the FBI had to investigate it, right? So since they weren't allowed to see the DNC's servers, they had to get a FISA warrant to spy on the Trump campaign. And the details of how they got that warrant need to be secret, right? (Obviously). But then a bunch of people started spreading #ReleaseTheMemo. Of course we know those people were Russian bots -- and we need to ban them!

 

Anyway, here's the point:

 

Releasing the memo would have totally, completely, 100% jeopardized national security. Do you know what that means? That means, like, game over, man.

 

The specifics of how and why Trump was investigated for Russian collusion cannot be brought in front of the public. What's important is just knowing the headlines, the general story, the sentiment. If one of Comcast's news-readers says that Russia hacked the election, then that's all I need to know. I don't need to have a whole long story of who did what and why something happened and what the consequences of a new McCarthyist campaign and rabid Neo Cold War rhetoric might be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't want to have to think about any of that, okay?! Trump is bad, so war with Russia is good. It's really that simple!

 

It's like those totally radical, hella awesome Senators John McCain and Jeff Flake said: we shouldn't release the memo because that's what Putin would want!

 

And, really, who besides a Russian agent would want this information released?

 

But that's exactly what they did, man!

 

Our own U.S. Congress -- the people who are supposed to love us and take care of us -- actually ended up handing over each and every one of our national security secrets to the Czar and his Bolsheviks.

 

Our military is practically disbanded now! Does nobody get that?

 

So, like, yeah I was totally freaking out about this yesterday. This was not okay and this is not who we are.

 

But then I found out today that, even though the Russians have all our launch codes now and like all our A.I. and that like really, hyper-advanced type shit, that it's totally cool anyway.

 

I know, sweet, right? How'd that happen?

 

Well, it's kinda hard to explain. But basically it's like because the whole lame-ass memo was pretty much pointless anyway. Like it didn't mean anything. It was a nothingburger, dudes. (Cowabunga!)

 

No, seriously, it was actually less than a nothingburger

 

Or like, it was actually damaging to Trump!

 

And here's the best part about the whole thing: any Congressmen pushing for the memo release actually obstructed justice themselves! So, like, all of them can be arrested now. And not arrested because they like voted for a war or anything like that... Arrested because they are trying to interfere with another branch of government.

 

What morons! These dumbasses handed over our national security secrets but it doesn't even help them out. How stupid can they be? 

 

Shit's hella lame, brah. We need like Oprah to be president or something. Or, like, maybe Bill Kristol. He's pretty ballin' too.

 

 

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